no pictures today... just thoughts.
I am sitting alone in a quiet house on the other side of the world. last night as i was battling with my thoughts, i looked out my sixth floor window and the moon caught my eye. i thought... this very same moon has kept it's funny face on me my entire life. Then, i thought... so has my God. Outside of the sky, there is nothing familiar about this place... i can't get in my car and drive to find the park that i love so much... or my favorite chair in Barnes and Noble... actually i can't drive at all. I can't seem to stop missing that beautiful liberty.
It's been 4 very long months. I have felt afraid to talk about my struggles here... because, this is the missionary life. I need to keep that vail of an "exciting spiritual adventure" covered over what it has actually turned out to be. No, i am not saying that there aren't moments when it is beautifully exciting... moments when our Eternal God steps in and i can see Him move in powerful ways... but the majority of the time He lets me battle.
I struggle to make sense of it all. poverty. broken faces. broken families. people who beg for money only to turn around and buy drugs while their own bodies fall apart from hunger. Little children who lie and steal to survive. Christians who hold themselves above such people... they stay as far away from such ugliness as possible. and me... i am stuck in this quiet house... hoping that something i have labored at has made some kind of difference in this difficult place.
Last night i told somebody i loved them... and the misionary i am working with returned in "how does that help anything." In actuality, i know that it helps even if they don't realise it. But it hurt... the thing that everybody "wants"... was suddenly not enough.
My prayers to God seem stuck... i open my mouth to cry out to Him... and all that comes out is "I'm tired God, I want to go home." The truth is... their are seasons in everyone's walk with God... That He remains silent... not distant.... but silent. He allows us to battle, because it is in that battle that we discover our own character.... our own lack of strength.
The Enemy can no longer reign over me... death is no longer my future... but the presence of Satan in this world will be apparent till that wonderful day when our Savior takes us Home. This is the place that i can return to... it is the joy of my salvation! That life is now my future... and this battleground called earth... is just a breath in eternity. but today, i battle. today, i yearn for Home.
love.
amy
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